Acceptance and Survival
by kaly
Summary: Dan told the world about Sam while on the air, but how did Casey find out? Episode Related: The Apology spoilers


Title: Acceptance and Survival   
Author: kaly (razrbkr@juno.com)  
Homepage: the shadowland - kaly's fan fiction - http://www.geocities.com/kalyw  
Rating: PG  
Fandom: Sports Night  
Archive: SN fic archive; want it, just ask.  
Classification: angst  
Spoilers: The Apology  
Summary: Dan told the world about Sam while on the air, but how did Casey find out?  
  
Feedback: please do. New fandoms always make me wary ;)  
  
Notes: This is all Cori's fault. I'm actually convinced all the evil in the world is Cori's fault. ;) She helped me find two new fandoms in two months when I'd said no more. This is my first attempt at trying to write within it.  
  
Thanks go to Lanning, Cori and Nix. The first for convincing me that I should give writing SN a chance and beta-ing this story. The second for assuring me it didn't suck, even if she called me names in the process. ;) The third for double-checking and title suggestions.  
  
Disclaimer: Well if they were mine they'd get out more these days... Boys belong to Sorkin, ABC and probably some other folks with more money than I'll ever know.  
  
  
Acceptance and Survival  
  
  
"And we're out."  
  
In the silence that followed, there was no movement. It was as if everyone was holding their breath to see what would happen next.  
  
Dan could feel all their eyes on him, staring at him, wondering what else he might have neglected to mention. But how does one bring up in conversation that you helped your little brother into an early grave?  
  
Shaking his head, Dan tapped his fingers on the smooth surface of the anchor desk. A moment later, still in silence, he pulled his earpiece off, picked up his script and stood.  
  
Not risking a look back, he walked away, half-surprised to realize that no one had followed. Most of him was grateful, but a part wished that 'no one' hadn't included Casey.  
  
~~~  
  
"Casey."  
  
Although people were finally moving around, completing the jobs that needed to be done, the word seemed to echo in the subdued studio. Turning, handing his own earpiece to an assistant, Casey nodded. "Yeah, Isaac."  
  
Isaac glanced to his left -- the same direction Dan had fled in just minutes before -- before looking back to Casey. Casey saw the multiple questions flicker across Isaac's face before he for dropped his hand onto the desk. "Of everything, he never..." Pausing, Isaac rubbed his hand over his eyes. "Take care of him, Casey."  
  
Understanding, and oddly relieved at the lack of questions, Casey met Isaac's concerned gaze with one of his own. "I will."  
  
Isaac turned to go, before he paused and asked just one question. "He'll be okay?"  
  
A sinking feeling filled Casey's stomach. "Would have been better if Sachs and his goons would have stayed out of it," he muttered in a low voice. Clearing his throat, he looked away. "He'll survive, Isaac. He always has."  
  
"Take care of him."  
  
Hearing the repeated words, Casey looked at Isaac and almost smiled. "Always."  
  
Without another word, Isaac left and Casey stared at this script for a long moment. He knew that he should go. He should try to catch up to Dan before he had time to slip through wardrobe and out of the office. Strangely, he couldn't seem to make himself move.  
  
Sitting there, watching Dan explain the thing that Casey knew was his greatest pain -- on television no less -- had hurt. He couldn't quite imagine how it felt to Dan, who hadn't even told their coworkers, had even fought against telling Casey, to announce it to the country.  
  
But mostly, it hurt to watch Dan hurting. They'd joked afterwards. Casey knew it was what Dan needed, if he was going to make it through the rest of the show. When in the face of disaster, proceed with business as usual. Worked before, it would work again; Casey had no doubt.  
  
It was the sight of Natalie, walking toward him with sympathy written all over her face, that finally forced him to move. Shaking his head and holding up a hand, he forestalled the questions he knew she wanted to ask. Right then, no matter if it hurt or not, his best friend needed him.   
  
Maybe he needed to be with his best friend just as much.  
  
Casey sighed as he took in the sight of their darkened office. Taking a deep breath, Casey dropped the used script onto his desk and grabbed his coat. Wardrobe could wait for the clothes until morning, he decided.   
  
~~~  
  
The first time it had happened, Casey hadn't known Dan very long. Not even an entire summer, in fact. Dan had worked a summer job at the television station where Casey was an on-the-spot reporter. In those months they'd barely made it past being casual acquaintances. They hung out at work, went out for pizza a time or two.   
  
So when the normally talkative Dan seemed quieter, Casey didn't attribute it to anything more than the upcoming semester and subsequent end of his time at the station. When Dan didn't even bother to come in one day that last week, Casey figured that the soon-to-be sophomore had been out partying a little too late the night before.  
  
The next day, when Dan was back at work, Casey might have commented on how haggard the younger man looked. But as it happened, there was a breaking story on campus -- two scholarship football players were accused of breaking and entering -- and Casey was out most of the day.   
  
Soon enough, even with the fast approaching school year, it seemed that Dan was acting like he had most of the summer. Suddenly busy with numerous interviews about the break-ins, Dan's odd behavior was easily forgotten.   
  
In the end, he didn't give it much thought at all.  
  
~~~  
  
Traffic was light as Casey drove across town to Dan's apartment, although that didn't keep the red lights from working against him. He knew that was where Dan gone. Once he might have questioned how he knew, but he'd stopped years before. He could simply read his friend, and earlier that night, at the end of the broadcast, his face had begged for home.  
  
Casey followed without being asked. After so many years he'd heard all the arguments. He'd been yelled at, cussed at and ignored. Once Dan had even taken a swing at him. Dan's reaction to his brother's death was never exactly the same. Close, but not quite the same.  
  
~~~  
  
That next year Casey had remembered noticing how Dan seemed to withdraw toward the end of the summer. But some part of him had still wanted to associate it with the end of the summer blues, rather than anything else.  
  
Tapping his hands on the steering wheel, Casey cursed Luther Sachs for making this year harder than it ever needed to be. "Damned magazine article," he muttered under his breath, driving forward as the light turned green. The lights and traffic were helping him to get nowhere fast. Which, if he forced himself to admit it, was an apt metaphor for his life, at least where Sam Rydell was concerned.  
  
~~~  
  
It had been during the next year -- the third of Casey's friendship with Dan -- that Casey had been offered an anchor job in Memphis. Lisa had been less than thrilled with the idea of moving, but the offer was one Casey couldn't pass up and so she had transferred as well.  
  
So they had packed up and moved to the Delta. Dan, just starting his senior year, stayed behind. So rather than see each other practically every day, they both managed large long distance bills.  
  
Amidst all the changes it had been almost easy not to notice when Dan's phone calls tapered off. It was a few days before a vague memory clicked in the back of Casey's mind, and a glance at the calendar confirmed it. But even as Dan began calling again, Casey was no closer to an answer.  
  
~~~  
  
Finding a parking spot near Dan's building was, on many occasions, quite a challenge. Not that parking was especially plentiful anywhere in New York City, but at that moment it was the area around Dan's apartment that was grating on Casey's nerves. After the night they'd had, it was one of the last things he wanted to deal with.  
  
He was grinding his teeth together by the time he found a spot. Barely sparing the time to make sure he'd locked the doors, he jogged the distance to the entrance, waved past the doorman and waited impatiently for an elevator.  
  
~~~  
  
The answer didn't come for another two years. In the wake of turning down NBC for late night, and accepting the offer in Dallas, Casey and Dan were together more than ever before.   
  
Charlie was a toddler, leaving both Lisa and Casey somewhat frazzled even amidst their fights over Casey's career choices. Dan's being there allowed both for a babysitter and a welcome distraction, when Lisa would allow it. Most of the summer was spent setting up in Dallas and rebuilding a friendship stretched by distance.  
  
A part of Casey had hoped that year might be different. That whatever haunted Dan might finally be laid to rest. He held onto that hope up until the days when Dan, inevitably, began to drift away. Unwilling -- or unable -- to let another year pass, Casey kept alert, ready to take any opportunity that might present itself.  
  
About a week later, they were leaving work when that opportunity arrived.  
  
"How about coming over for dinner?" Casey offered, unlocking his car door.  
  
He hardly had to turn to see Dan, standing at the car next to his, shake his head. "No thanks, Case."  
  
Throwing him a lopsided grin, Casey kept on. "You know Lisa would love it if you did."  
  
Dan snickered. "Casey, I do believe you're sleep deprived."  
  
"Sleep deprived?"  
  
Nodding, Dan walked around his car and leaned against it. "That would be the state where you actually believe Lisa looks forward to seeing me walk through the front door on a regular basis."  
  
"Danny..." Casey crossed his arms over his chest. "I know that you don't always get along, but..."  
  
"But nothing," Dan interrupted. Sighing, he rubbed his hand over his eyes. "I'm sorry, Case. Thanks but no thanks."  
  
Staring at the ground for a long moment, Casey shook his head. "You know you're welcome."  
  
"There's something I need to do." That said, Dan stood and got into the driver's seat.  
  
Casey was left to watch as Dan drove off into the August twilight. Determined to know what it was that bothered his friend at such odd intervals, Casey climbed into his car. Soon, he was following Dan across Dallas.  
  
Some time later, Casey was beginning to doubt Dan even knew where he was, after driving seemingly aimlessly around town. Glancing at the clock, he knew Lisa would be wondering where he was, but for the moment he pushed the thought aside. It wasn't as if fighting was a new concept, recently.  
  
Sooner rather than later, Dan exited the freeway. They were outside of town, far enough away that the light pollution faded and more stars were visible overhead. Traffic, however, was almost nonexistent. Although he stayed back, Casey became convinced that Dan wasn't paying attention anyway.  
  
Up ahead on the right, Casey noted, was a small park. At about the same time, he also noticed the break lights come to life. Slowing, he watched from a distance as Dan pulled into the roadside park and get out of his car.   
  
Casey's confusion only grew as Dan walked across the clearing toward a thick stand of trees. Parking his own car, Casey walked the short distance to the park. Unsure what to say, or even if he should say anything, Casey stayed quiet.  
  
When he heard the younger man begin to talk, he thought Dan had seen him. He took one step forward before realizing he was in error.   
  
While he couldn't understand Dan's words, it was the sound of strangled tears that caught Casey's breath in his throat. Feeling more confused that ever, and guilty as hell, it took only a few seconds to convince Casey to leave as quietly as he had arrived.  
  
If Dan had realized he was there, he didn't give any sign during the next few days. It was like before; Dan's bad mood disappeared as if it had never come. Casey considered letting it go. But then he would remember the sound of his best friend crying, and couldn't.  
  
For days afterward, as Casey watched Dan go through the slow process of becoming... Dan again, he wondered what he'd seen that night. Casey felt horrible for spying on his friend, but at the same time he knew he couldn't simply let it be. He cared about Dan too much to ignore that kind of pain forever.  
  
And he firmly told the voice of his mother -- which was nagging in the back of his mind -- that it wasn't meddling. It wasn't.  
  
Or maybe it was, he admitted to himself as he drove to Dan's apartment a couple of days later. He had told Lisa he was working late and there would probably be hell to pay. He could only hope it was worth it.  
  
Dan looked surprised when he answered the door, smiling what Casey had come to think of as his 'confused' smile as he stood back to let Casey enter.  
  
"Casey."  
  
"Danny."  
  
Pushing the door closed, Dan followed Casey through the small apartment. "Want a beer?" he asked, on his way to the kitchen.  
  
"No." Casey shook his head, dropping onto the couch and waiting for Dan to come back into the living room. "Danny we need to talk."  
  
"What's up?" Dan asked, sitting down on the chair just to the side of the couch.  
  
Letting his elbows fall across his knees, Casey looked around for a long moment. He tried to swallow the lump of unease that had lodged in his throat. "The other night..."  
  
Dan laughed, causing Casey to look up sharply. "You're not still sore I passed up your dinner invite? Listen if it'll make you feel any better, I'll."  
  
"I know, Danny."  
  
Dan blinked, as if surprised by the soft words. "You know. You know what?" He shifted in his chair, turning the bottle in his fingers restlessly.  
  
Looking down at his hands where they rested in his lap, Casey admitted, "I followed you."  
  
In the silence that followed the admission, Casey couldn't help but look up at Dan. Dan, for his part, was staring not at Casey but vacantly across the apartment. Casey was about to ask... something, when Dan seemed to shake himself out of it.  
  
"You... you followed me."  
  
"To the park."  
  
"You followed me to the park."  
  
"You were upset, I wanted to..."  
  
"You wanted to what, Casey?" Jumping up from his seat, Dan absent-mindedly dropped his beer bottle onto the table. Gesturing vaguely, he paced a small stretch between the chair and table. "You wanted to sweep in and save little Danny all over again? Just like before, when they picked Conan. You had to run to Danny's rescue."  
  
"I've never..." Blinking slowly, but unable to stop staring at his agitated friend, Casey took a deep breath. He tried again. "I wanted to be sure you were okay." He paused, risking a glance away. "I've noticed for a couple of years now. There's something about *now* that bothers you."   
  
Dan stood stock-still, looking anywhere but at Casey. "I have no idea what you're talking about."  
  
"Yes. You do." Standing, he took the two steps that placed him directly in front of Dan. "Talk to me, Danny," he said, placing his hands on the shorter man's shoulders. He waited for a moment. Dan refused to look at him, despite standing less than a foot away, and Casey shook his shoulders lightly. "What hurt you so bad you can't talk about it? That you'd rather cry alone in a deserted park?"  
  
Shaking his head, Dan broke free of Casey's loose grasp and took several steps away. "It's nothing."  
  
"It's *something*. Damn it, Danny." Taking a slow breath, Casey rubbed a hand over his face. "Please."  
  
At that, Dan dropped onto the couch as if he were a puppet whose strings had been suddenly cut. Staring at the floor he asked, "You have an older sister?"  
  
Confused, Casey nodded, but stood still. "Yeah. Lynne."  
  
"Did you ever want to be like her?"  
  
"If you mean did I ever want to try on her make up and go to slumber parties, no." Regretting the thin attempt at humor when Dan didn't respond, Casey took a seat on the couch beside Dan. "Yeah. Sometimes. Like when she would get perfect grades or win some competition or something."  
  
Nodding, Dan looked up to stare straight ahead. "It's normal, isn't it? To want to be like our big brothers and sisters."  
  
"Yeah, I guess." Casey waited for Dan to explain, but there was only silence. Finally, he asked, "Danny?"  
  
"Sam was like that." The words were so quiet Casey almost couldn't hear them.  
  
Confused, Casey blinked. "Sam?"  
  
"Sam's two years younger than me."  
  
"You've never mentioned."  
  
"No," Dan said, shaking his head. "Lots of stuff I never mentioned, Case." Standing, not completely steady, Dan walked over to the lone living room window. "The booze. The drugs."   
  
Caught off guard, Casey sat in silence as Dan stared out the window. He knew there was probably more to come, when Dan was ready.  
  
"I stayed messed up most of the way through high school." Shaking his head, Dan laughed humorlessly. "Can't say I really remember graduation, even. I stayed that way until college."  
  
Dan looked up then, his gaze meeting Casey's. There was a desperate pain in the brown depths and Casey could see the brightness of brimming tears. "Do you want to know the crowning moment?"  
  
Casey couldn't seem to move from the couch or force words from his throat. Instead he nodded, one rough jerk.  
  
Dan looked away, once more staring out into the Texas night. Wrapping his arms around himself it looked to Casey as if he were pulling in on himself and trying to disappear. "I killed my little brother, Casey." The words were whispered, barely even true words. He managed a shuddered breath and pressed his forehead to the windowpane. "As sure as I crashed the car myself."  
  
Wide-eyed, Casey managed to stand and walk over to Dan. The other man jumped when Casey laid a hand on his shoulder. "Danny..."  
  
"Just go, Casey." His eyes were pressed closed, but the tears leaked out anyway.  
  
Shaking his head, Casey squeezed Dan's shoulder. "No... I... I can't."  
  
"Please, Case." Dan's voice cracked and Casey could feel the tremors that ran through him. Dan took a shaky breath. "I understand. Just go."  
  
Moving behind Dan, Casey wrapped his arms around the younger man's shoulders. "I don't know what you think you understand, Danny. But it's not what I'm thinking right now, I can promise you."  
  
"Casey, I killed my brother."  
  
Smiling sadly, Casey held the shaking frame more tightly. "And he saved you." A strangled sob ripped out of Dan's chest and Casey felt him lean into the embrace. "For that I will always be thankful."  
  
~~~  
  
Tediously slow elevator ride finally accomplished, Casey covered the remaining distance to Dan's apartment with as few long strides as possible. Reaching the door he knew as well as his own, he took a deep breath and knocked.  
  
Dan opened the door and leaned against the jamb, his arms crossed over his chest. "Wondered how long it'd be before you showed up."   
  
Casey nodded, still standing in the hallway. "Isaac sent me. He's... concerned."  
  
"Just Isaac?" Dan asked, smiling faintly as he gestured Casey inside the apartment.  
  
"Well, Mandy did stop me on my way out." He pushed the door closed and followed Dan into the kitchen.   
  
Dan laughed, opening the refrigerator and pulling out two bottles of water. "She ask to borrow your Time Life CD?"  
  
"No." Casey shook his head, accepting the water. "Said she had her own. That she wanted to compliment my taste."  
  
"She can't be my stalker then."  
  
"I've been saying."  
  
"'Cause my stalker obviously has better taste."  
  
"Danny..."  
  
"Maybe she's really *your* stalker."  
  
"Danny."  
  
Shaking his head, the humor fading, Dan took a drink of water. "I'm okay, Casey."  
  
"I know."  
  
Dan didn't look convinced. "Yeah?"  
  
"You're sure? That you're okay."  
  
Smiling slightly, Dan looked at Casey for a long moment. "There's that conversational retentiveness we all know and love."  
  
"Danny..."  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Not about much, no. I'm not sure."  
  
Conceding the point, Dan nodded. "About what then?"  
  
"Us."  
  
"Us?"  
  
"Us. You. Me. The past ten years. I'm sure about that."  
  
Looking slightly confused, Dan's head tilted to the side. "What about us?"  
  
"That there will always *be* an us. Even when things are completely shitty."  
  
Laughing, Dan sighed. "Careful, man, that sixty thousand dollar vocabulary is slipping there."  
  
"What can I say, I've been around you too long." Before Dan could manage the proper retort, Casey set the water down on the cabinet and took a step forward. "Are you okay, Danny?"  
  
Sighing, Dan leaned back against the counter. "It never completely goes away."  
  
"No."  
  
"Every year, it comes back." He paused, staring at Casey for a few seconds. "But it gets easier."  
  
"Good."  
  
"And I'm thankful for something, too." Recognizing the look on Dan's face, Casey realized they were both remembering the same conversation.  
  
Casey cleared his throat. "Oh?"  
  
"Yeah." Giving Casey a lop-sided smile, Dan gestured at him with his water bottle. "For a certain nosy man who shall remain nameless."  
  
"Danny..."  
  
His smile gone, Dan continued. "Who made me believe it really was okay to face my past. To acknowledge it and accept it and even survive it."  
  
"Sounds like a good kind of guy to have around then," Casey replied in a rough voice.  
  
Grinning, Dan shrugged. "Yeah, I think I'll keep him."  
  
Casey took a step forward, placing a hand on Dan's arm. "Sam would be proud, you know. Of you."  
  
Dan gasped, unable to look away from Casey, unable to blink. That was the one thing Casey had never gone so far as to say. "You think?" Dan managed to ask a minute later.  
  
Smiling softly, Casey nodded. "I know."  
  
"Case?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
Clearing his throat, Dan blinked quickly and shook his head. "Never mind." Looking around, Dan asked, "You, uh, want to hang out for a while? Watch a movie?"  
  
"Yeah, Danny. I'd love to."  
  
end  



End file.
